3:20 p.m.: Today I am chaperoning our school’s Valentine’s Day dance. A band of about 100 kids is already cat-and-mouse to get into the cafeteria, which is area we authority all of our school’s dances. In the movies there’s always, like, a decorations board or whatever annoying that everything’s not activity to be accomplished in time for the brawl and will be ruined. That’s not how it works in absolute life.
You apperceive who the decorating board is at a boilerplate academy in absolute life? Four janitors. Do you apperceive how they decorate? They move all of the tables out of the way. Malibooyah. The brawl is ready, and the kids go goddamn basics for it. That’s a little affair alleged actuality efficient.
3:20:15: If you’re analytic the capability of affective tables as a agency of decorating for a dance, go home today and put the kitchen table in the active room. Everyone in your accomplished abode will aberration the fuck out about it. Table adjustment is serious, son.
3:24: The DJ for today’s brawl is a adolescent atramentous lady. Normally our academy hires this 60-year-old Mexican man who was kin to addition at our campus, but the adult that acclimated to handle that is gone now so he got the ax. I’ll absence his Old Man Jeans.
3:26: Malibooyah. Aboriginal song played: Sage the Gemini’s actual amiable “Gas Pedal.” This is a able start, to be sure. It’s the aboriginal time we’ve anytime had addition comedy a song that wasn’t 30 years old at one of our dances. The kids accept appreciative.
3:38: The actual aboriginal time I gave a babe article for Valentine’s Day was aback I was in the eighth grade. I gave her a six-pack of amber milk (I don’t apperceive why) and a hand-drawn account of our names graffiti-ed on a brick wall. That’s the realest bits of all. I’m saying, do you alike apperceive how continued it takes to draw a brick wall? Like 40 minutes, man. Accurate love.
3:38:15: Semi-related: The aboriginal time I anytime for absolute kissed a babe was additionally in the eighth grade. I acclimated to anticipate I was a actual air-conditioned kid in boilerplate school, but afresh I saw pictures of me from aback afresh about two or three years ago. I was absolutely not a actual air-conditioned kid. My advanced teeth looked like goddamn basis cards. God absolve that babe — that kiss was apparently the best altruistic moment of her accomplished life.
3:51: “Wobble.” Wonderful. The DJ could comedy Boston for the blow of the brawl and she’d still accept a bigger boilerplate than the antecedent guy.
3:58: Hahahahaha. There’s a “Selfie Station” at the aback of the dance. It’s basically aloof a big Valentine’s Day affiche that you can booty pictures in advanced of. Two eighth-graders asked a seventh-grader to booty their account in advanced of it.
The seventh-grader agreed, took the phone, aimed it at the eighth-graders, afresh actual bound clicked the little figure that reverses the administration of the camera, took a account of herself assuming to booty a account of them, afresh handed them the buzz and ran abroad afore they could analysis it. I don’t apperceive who that kid was, but I apperceive she’s my admired kid of all time.
4:04: The big guns: the DJ is arena “Me Puedo Matar” by Bachata Heightz. That’s what’s up. She is actual austere about this. Our academy is about alone Latino, so this is appealing abundant the smartest move ever. 13-year-old girls LOVE Bachata Heightz.
4:11: Oh no. “Timber.” The new DJ takes a hit. Old Mexican Man DJ would accept never played this, admitting I accept to accept that it would be because he wouldn’t accept alike accepted that it existed. There’s article to be said for ignorance, I suppose.
4:16: Okay. Jason Derulo’s “Talk Dirty.” I’m gonna go advanced and go angle alfresco until this song is over. Thanks, thanks.
4:18: Miley’s “We Can’t Stop.” This car is skidding out of control. Addition accelerate help.
4:21: Boom. Prince Royce’s “Stand By Me.” What a save. Is that song big anywhere else, or is it carefully a Latino Boilerplate Academy thing? As anon as it comes tinking out of the speakers the kids go all the way nuts.
One kid at our academy absolutely looks absolutely a bit like Prince Royce. He is absolutely popular, of course. What a affair that charge be, to aloof accept a face that bodies do not appetite to bite aback they see it. I am on the added end of that accurate sliding scale.
4:27: A accumulation of boys from the basketball aggregation are here, all continuing about lying about things they did during the division (I accomplished the seventh-grade aggregation this year.) Aback I was a middle-school basketball player, one bold I scored, like, maybe six credibility and you’d accept anticipation I was the goddamn NBA scoring champion.
What fun that was. I was so terrible. The drillmaster would alarm a time out, say a accomplished agglomeration of gibberish, afresh accelerate us aback out there. The point bouncer would be like, “Hey, what’d drillmaster say to do again?” And I’d consistently be like, “I don’t know. I wasn’t listening. Aloof bandy the brawl to me so I can shoot
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